i almost forgot the password to my own xanga. oops. i dont know what to do with this. i'm quite proud its run since 2003? but with sporadic posts every few months... and my purposefully not telling anyone about it for years... i dont know how to define its use and meaning to me. its not quite my loneliest hour (is it?)... maybe though my most private. because i write here and click "save changes" and send it out to let any stranger who happens to pass read it. an exchange happens. reader and i stay anonymous. right now, im thinking about The Dance. maybe because i went for salsa tonight after being away from it for two weeks. i marvelled again at non-verbal communication... the lovely dance to watch when partners are in sync and communicating with their hands and bodies. the character and style of the dance changes with the partners, just like different relationships. some guys were really good leaders/ partners tonight... they had rhythm, creativity, assertive and confident in leading but gentle... i wondered if a good partner = good real life boyfriend/ girlfriend. but im veering off course from my main thought. animals and tribal human cultures do The Dance for courtship, to attract the attention of the opposite sex. you dance your best just so the one who has taken your heart will look your way. when you don't admit your fallen heart, you dance in strange ways. Oh the things we do just for some attention! all the grandious things you try to achieve just for one person to notice you. you can kick and scream a fuss up, you can sob and wail your loudest, make a million bucks or spend even more, you can flirt and put your arm around everyone in their plain sight, be the most desirable one in the room, you can hurt yourself or the even the one you love, you could even try to love someone or something else, perhaps achieve the adoration and admiration of the world... ... ... ... .... .... but when you acknowledge to yourself it's all because your heart aches for him/her to just look your way and see you the way you love them... the fuss stops, and you are left to be honest with yourself.... ... well, and then what? | 